4 Pregnancies, 1 Baby

The rug was pulled out from under me today.

Michael and I found out we had our third miscarriage.

I was happy and at peace, confident today would be the first time I would get to see our new baby's heartbeat.

Instead, we were told that there had been no change since last week and that we should be seeing much more at this point.

Devastated.

Heartbroken.

Sick to my stomach.

How can this be?  How did my body figure out how to keep our beautiful little Presley safe and sound for 9 months, then all of a sudden forget how to keep a baby?

I did allow myself to consider that I might have a miscarriage, but I told myself it wouldn't hurt nearly as bad as it did before Presley.  That is not so true.  While it felt so wonderful to hold her tight after our awful appointment, I am still in so much emotional pain.

I stupidly bought Presley a "Big Sister" shirt when we first found out.  Now, it sits in my closet.  Maybe, she'll still be able to fit into it when a successful pregnancy does happen.  I am hopeful she will.

Thank you for your prayers.

Anxiety

I feel like I write a lot about feeling anxious, but this week has been the WORST of the worst.

The weekend after we went to the doctor on March 28th, I felt wonderful.  On top of the world.  It was like the time when Michael and I first fell in love.  Birds were singing.  Butterflies fluttering.  Just wonderful.  We had gotten wonderful baby news!

Then, in the days after the weekend, the anxiety crept in.  Today, the pastor at our church called it, "The Voice."

I started feeling awful, depressed, hopeless.  I don't know exactly what caused it.  I went to the gym to workout one night.  I didn't do anything crazy.  I ran about three miles.  The rest of the time, I spent walking.  But for some reason, I had myself convinced that my run had hurt the baby.  The next day, I really started to panic, because I had horrible cramps.  I THINK these were more gas pains,  (Sorry, TMI!)  but I'm not 100% sure.  It could have been miscarriage cramps.  At least, that's what the voice keeps telling me.  I've also had some discharge that I experienced with the last miscarriage.  But, discharge is normal during pregnancy.  (That's what the websites say.)  Either way, I have myself convinced that we are going to get bad news tomorrow.

I don't know how to quiet this negative voice that is keeping me in such a frightened state.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy, but all I do is worry.

I dread and live for every single doctor's appointment.  I will be a nervous wreck tomorrow at school.

Please, just pray for an ease in the anxiety.  Pray for good news tomorrow.

Thanks.

7 Weeks!

We saw a heartbeat!!!

It is such a miracle that I am even typing this blog. I was so worried I'd end up spending tonight bawling my eyes out. I'm so ecstatic to report that I am a happy girl while typing this!

We lost our last two babies around 6 weeks, so this was our first chance to experience a heartbeat.  The heartbeat was the most beautiful little flicker I've ever seen.  Michael had the sweetest, most honest reaction. ;)  I wish we could have taped the moment. I was already in tears because I was so scared. When the image popped up, it was like the most indescribable wonderful moment.  Scared tears became happy tears.

Now, we aren't out of the woods, but the doctor says that seeing a heartbeat puts us in a new category. He is very optimistic.

There are a couple of things he is watching. I have a weird bacteria infection. It was at one point in time thought to cause miscarriages, but I am being treated for it and have been for about a week. Doc says that it probably isn't what caused my first two miscarriages. He doesn't think that spotting it is why I'm all of a sudden having a good pregnancy, but he says he would still want it treated. Still, it's weird, so any prayers for that are appreciated.

The other thing is that I have a blood clot. It isn't close to anything important, so we are just going to keep watching it. He did not seem worried about that either. Still, it makes me nervous, so prayers regarding that are appreciated.

I also need prayers regarding my anxiety. I spent the day in a state of nervous anticipation. I know I need to calm down. I don't think I'll breathe easy until this baby is in my arms, but I need to at least learn how to just breathe and let things happen.

Thank you so much for reading this and praying for Michael and me as we go through this!

Scared

I've been having baby dreams the last couple of nights.

I've had three in total. In two of them, I lost the baby. In the other, I made it and had the baby.

What does this mean?

I'm so incredibly afraid of what our Monday 7-week appointment will tell us.

Michael keeps saying prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

I'm trying... I'm just ready for Monday to be here.

Pregnancy #3 Week 5

I am grateful for the sweet ladies I spend Wednesday nights with at Hopeful Hearts.  

After today, I'm especially thankful that they introduced me to Fertility Associates of Memphis.

This practice specializes in all things infertility.  

Whether it be the inability to get pregnant or recurrent loss.  

I had made an appointment for the end of March initially.  But, after we found out we were pregnant, we couldn't wait that long.  We had our first appointment today.  

I learned more in this hour and a half visit about miscarriages than I have from doing my own research in the past months.  You always hear people say that it was probably a genetic or chromosomal issue.

  Today, I actually was taught exactly what that meant.  

The entire staff was awesome.  I am especially in love with my doctor and the ultrasound technician.  She was phenomenal.  She was so smiley and cheerful.  I feel like heaven will be full of angels just like her.

This next picture may look like a whole lot of nothing, but it is a picture of hopes, dreams, love, and the future.  This is our little twinkle in the eye.  

That's a picture of our baby at 5 weeks.   

Of course, it's too early for a heartbeat, but the doctor said everything looked really good.  It's sizing out exactly as it should be.

After the ultrasound, I had some blood drawn and some other routine stuff done.  

The doctor wanted to see me in a week, but we'll be in Washington DC, so we won't be able to come back until Monday, March 18th.  To prove how awesome my doctor is, he gave me his cell number to call in case of any problems in DC.  I mean, have you heard of that ever happening?  Not me!

I am so prayerful that this pregnancy will stick.  My hopes are definitely up.  Michael says he's not quite ready to get too excited, but he did ask me my thoughts on a few names today.  That made me smile.

Is Third Time the Charm?

I am writing this two hours after getting a positive pregnancy test.  This will be our third pregnancy in less than a year.  We've experienced two miscarriages. 

Yep, we got the double pink line.

I'm thrilled.  Thrilled!  It's like I've got on rose colored glasses.  Finally, I don't have to secretly want to punch every pregnant girl I see.  I don't have to find excuses to not attend baby showers.  I don't have to wake up every single day thinking about the last two pregnancies.  I AM PREGNANT!

On the flip side, I'm nervous as all get out.  I'm scared that in four weeks we'll be finding out we lost the baby.  I'm angry that I don't get to make one of those cute videos where we show us telling our parents, then watching it over and over again to see their excited faces.  (We've got one of those from the first pregnancy.  I can't even watch it without tearing up.)  I'm jealous that I can't be one of those girls who naively gets to enjoy every second of her pregnancy without a serious worry.

As you can see, I've got a mix of emotions.

I couldn't decide how to tell Michael about the pregnancy.  The first time, I framed a fortune cookie phrase we had gotten a few months prior.  It said, "A special gift is on the way to you."  The second time, I tearfully told him after he got home from work.  This time, I thought I'd communicate with the help of technology.  I texted him a picture of the pregnancy test.  I was standing right next to him when he got it.  His reaction was pretty funny.  He threw his phone up in the air and smiled.

I think we are both so confused about how to feel.  Once you've experienced two pregnancy losses, it's really hard to get excited about another one.  If we get too excited, and something terrible happens, we'll have such a hard time recovering.  We are both pretty matter-of-fact about it.

If we make it to 12 weeks, I think you'll see a change in our attitude.

I cannot wait to talk to Hopeful Hearts about this.  I know I'll be surrounded by ladies who know exactly how I feel.  It's so comforting to be around women who understand.

Please keep us in your prayers during this hopeful time!

Off to start my progesterone suppositories.  Yep, those sound about as much fun as they are!

Love,

Corrie

Words I Regret

"Why do I have to be pregnant?"

I cannot believe those words ever came out of my mouth. 

But they did...a few weeks into my first pregnancy.  I actually said them to my mom.  I quickly said that I was joking, but it was too late.  The words had been spoken.  

The reason I said it was Michael had gotten tickets to Zoo Brew at the Memphis Zoo.  This is one of my favorite events in Memphis.  It's all about trying different craft beers.  I was disappointed, because I wouldn't be able to drink.

Since the worst day, those words have haunted me.  

As soon as we found out about the first miscarriage, my thoughts went to those words.  Was this God's punishment?  

When the second miscarriage happened, I thought about the words again.  Would God really punish me for loving craft beer and wanting a moment of freedom from the pregnancy to enjoy them?  (I'm trying to be funny here, but it's probably not translating.)  :)

To think that I ever took a pregnancy for granted hurts my heart.  I'm ashamed.  Truly, I believe that maybe God should have punished me.  There are days when I dwell on what I said for far too long. 

Tonight at Hopeful Hearts, I was put at peace about it.

We are reading a book called Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow.  In it, Nancy Guthrie writes the following about why God doesn't have to punish:

I wanted to speak up and talk about my lightbulb moment at our meeting, but I was afraid I would turn into a blubbering idiot.  (Though, tears are very welcome at our meetings.)  

And when it comes to what I said, I know this...

I didn't mean them.  I really didn't.  

I don't think me questioning my pregnancy was about an enjoyment for beer.  I think it was more about me being afraid of the pregnancy.  When we found out we were pregnant the first time, I was FREAKED out.  I was so excited, but I was overwhelmed.  Anxiety was high, and I truly was unsure if I was ready.  

When I said what I said, I think I really was wanting to vent my fears.  

And, now, I would give up beer, sushi, caffeine, and Sweet n Low forever if I meant I could I have a healthy pregnancy.  

And now, I feel ready.  I would still be scared, but I wouldn't let that stop my excitement.  

My period either will or won't be here in 6 days.  Prayers appreciated.  

Thanks for reading!

-Corrie

Updates: More Testing and Stella

Time for some updates!

The road to pregnancy after two miscarriages is filled with lots of questions, lots of testing, and very few answers.  

Exhibit A

I have become very familiar with this little tool over the last few months.  I really shouldn't call it little.  It's an ultrasound wand.  As you can tell, it's not for rubbing on the tummy.  I laughed out loud at another blogger who compared it to being the world's worst joystick.  I think today was my fourth or fifth time to experience the wand.  

It was not fun, as always, and today I felt more exposed than ever.  I had what's called a sonohystogram.  Basically, the doctor squirts some water up my lady parts.  It somehow inflates my lady parts and makes any irregularities obvious.  

As quickly as the water is squirted into you, it starts coming out.  So, it almost feels like your peeing and can't control it.  There is some cramping involved, but it just hurt REALLY bad for a second.  After it was over, I had a little bit of pain.. but not too much.  The worst part was how exposed I felt.  Over the past few months, my doctor has seen me at about every possible unflattering angle.  Today, it was the worst.  I was in his face as much as I possibly could be, THEN he turned a lamp on.  He's had a lamp on before, but never have I felt like I was in his face this much.  So, if there was any part of me the doctor had not seen, he could now.  

My "Just Beautiful" Lady Parts

Fortunately, (or unfortunately) I have "beautiful ovaries and a beautiful uterus."  Those are the words of the lady who performed my ultrasound with the doctor.  I say unfortunately, because once again I am left with no answers.  No explanation why my life has been upside down since June.  I am so grateful that there is nothing wrong, but I want to know WHY WHY WHY a baby can't thrive in my body.  

After the sonohystogram was over, Michael and I made another trip into the doctor's actual office.  Before June, I had been in a doctor's actual office, with his actual desk, only once in my life.  Now, Michael and I have our own couch in there.  He said we now have several options.  We can try again without any changes, we can try again with progesterone suppositories, or we can go with chromosomal testing.  

We aren't quite to the point of wanting to do chromosomal testing.  It's pretty expensive, and it would be very rare for there to be something wrong there.  If we have another miscarriage, I think we will definitely want to do that.  

We have decided to start using progesterone suppositories.  After I ovulate, I'll start taking them.  I'm prayerful this will help.

We've also decided to make an appointment with a doctor who specializes in infertility and recurrent miscarriage.  I'll keep you updated.

***

I am so thankful for the Hopeful Hearts group I have started going to every other Wednesday.  A group of girls all struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or adoption meet to discuss life.  I am able to discuss things with these ladies that no one else in my life understands.  We cry, laugh, and pray together.  We also share a lot of information.  I can't believe how much I've learned from these ladies in just a few short weeks!

***

Stella is growing like a weed.  

We had our three month check-up with Stella today.  She's happy and healthy!  I can't even remember what life was like without her!  :)

Here she is one month ago.  (8 lbs)

Here she is now!  She doubled her weight in month.  (17.5 lbs)

This is her morning hair.

Thanks for reading!!

Miscarriage Followup

I may have crossed the threshold of TMI.  I tweeted about my post-miscarriage blood work that I had today.  

Some people are probably thinking, why is that crazy girl tweeting about this stuff?  But honestly, I really want to share it.  

I'm still so angry and frustrated.  I'm moving past it, and I can smile, but I'm pissed off.  Sometimes it helps to let the world know what I'm going through.  People treat you better.  

Also, if I have to look at your freaking ultrasound pics and pregnancy complaints on facebook and twitter, you can look at a few pictures of the blood work I am going through to figure out why I can't keep a baby (fetus) past 6 and a half weeks.  To the person I'm following on twitter that complained about being "sick and sober" for the last three months, I'd gladly trade places with you.  I dream of being where you are.  I'm pissed off that I have a glass of wine sitting next to me. 

~

I'm trying to somehow find humor in all of this, because having a miscarriage completely sucks.  Having two makes you want to punch 80% of the people you come into contact with.  I've found several blogs that really put a funny spin on on the whole miscarriage thing.  Only those who are in this awful club are allowed to make jokes.  I've also found some serious, more heartbreaking blogs.  Both types help me cope.  Sometimes I want to laugh about how nutso all of this is.  Other times, I want to cry and stay on my couch all day. 

*Be aware, some of these blogs use adult language.  I don't blame them.  I've used a lot of adult language in the last six months.  

I read one blog, that of course I can't find anymore, that talked about how horrendous the whole transvaginal ultrasound is.  In it, she compares the experience to the doctor using a joyce stick in her vajayjay.  She also talked about how the doctor kept saying how awesome her ovaries were, like he wanted to date them.  I loved reading what this lady had to say, because it was all so true.  I too felt that same way.  Even today at the doctor, he talked about how my uterus felt great or something.  

Some of the blogs have really good advice.  The following came from Pregnant Chicken.  

Advice on what to say when someone you know has a miscarriage:  

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a miscarriage too. Let me know if you ever want to talk about it.

I don't know what to say but I'm here for you and I want to help.

Do you want to talk about it?

Offer to help with housework, babysitting, meals, etc.

Call and check in because the pain doesn't go away in a couple days.

This blog, really touches my heart.  Everything she feels, I feel.  Especially, the following words:

Feelings I’m ashamed of? Cattiness/jealousy of those in our lives who have become pregnant since we lost our baby.

What I know for sure? That this baby was our first baby…that I will never forget him or her…and that although the hole may get smaller and smaller as time goes on, there will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart for that baby that will never be filled.

~

Today,  I had my post-miscarriage followup.  I walked into the office, ironically, praying I wasn't pregnant anymore.  If I had been, I would have to have to have had a D and C.  

I elected with this miscarriage to not have a D and C, because it was so freaking expensive when we had the first miscarriage.

If it happens again, (PLEASE PRAY IT DOESN'T!) I would probably go back to having another D and C.  The reason being, when trying to pass the baby on your own, you have to deal with a lot (A LOT!) of unpredictable bleeding.  I actually ended up in the Emergency Room because the bleeding was out of control.  I also had to take off three days of work. 

Honestly, I should have taken off two weeks of work to recover emotionally, but I would have been facing so much when I came back, that it just wasn't worth it.   

Anyway, so today it was all about checking to make sure that the baby had passed.  Thank goodness, the pregnancy test they gave me came up negative. 

Now, it's on to the good stuff.  Now we can hopefully get some answers as to why me, a healthy 28 year old, can't get pregnant, while 65% of my facebook friends get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  

I had blood work done.  Here are the many tubes I had to look forward to filling with my blood.  

Here they are, I didn't cry or pass out or anything.  (Thank goodness Michael couldn't get out of work today, because if he could have, he would have passed out watching this.)

Please pray that these tubes of blood give us some answers!  

~

If I had to guess what's causing the miscarriages, my guess would be low progesterone levels.  I have yet to really feel pregnant.  I just wonder if something is wrong there.  From what I've read, this would be a pretty easy fix.  Maybe we'll find out that this is an easy fix.  

The Joy of Running and Prenatal Vitamins

Tonight I ran.  I ran and ran and ran.

Okay, really, it was only 6 miles.

But, man, it felt great.

I haven't had a true "Corrie Workout" in a while.

I've been doing 30 minutes on the elliptical here, a little walking there, and maybe a mile of running occasionally.

Tonight, while watching the Pats slaughter the Texans, I ran for a full hour.  It was actually 59 minutes.  I got a killer side crap at that point.

After that, I came home, took a shower, and took a prenatal vitamin.

The prenatal vitamin is significant.

Since that awful day two weeks ago, every time I go to the bathroom, I find myself staring at the stack of samples the doctor gave me.  I haven't taken any since that day.

For the past 14 days, all I could think was, "What's the point?"

For some reason, tonight, I felt like there was a point.  I felt like there was hope.  I felt like maybe, just maybe, the third time could be the charm.

Could this feeling of hope be connected to the awesome run I had?

Who knows.

Could I be delusional thanks to the endorphins that come from exercising?  Probably.

But, all I know is that somewhere deep within me, I felt like it was time to get my body ready to start trying again.

First, I have to have a followup doctor's appointment.  There's no trying until I get the all clear.  Hopefully, that will come next week.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for supporting me.

Also, to the person I never met, who sent me the sweet card, thank you.

-Corrie

Worry

Worry is a terrible thing.

I am the world's biggest worrier.  About five times a day, I'll ask Michael about different concerns I have.  He just rolls his eyes.

It's a problem, and I know it's a problem.

With the miscarriage, my worries have turned a bit more serious.

Will we ever have a successful pregnancy?
Will that trip to the ER be way too expensive?
My husband has now seen me at my least glamorous.  Does he still find me attractive?
If we try again and miscarry again, will I be able to get out of bed?
Will I ever feel whole again?
Will my parents ever get to be grandparents?
Is it my fault we aren't getting pregnant?
Will this help or hurt our marriage?

Today at church, God answered all of these questions.

A song came on that talked about sorrow and concerns.  God immediately brought me to the following verse:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34

I immediately felt a peace that I don't think I've felt since we found out about baby #2.  

-C

Tonight it was the Pregnant Girl at the Gym

I'm minding my own business on the treadmill, when in walks this pretty blond girl.  She's about my age.

She's pregnant.

Two weeks ago I saw this same girl at the gym.  I smiled to myself and thought about how it wouldn't be too long until I was as big as her.

Tonight when she walked into the gym, it was like I couldn't get out there soon enough.

Once in the privacy of my car, the tears started flowing.

Every day it's something.

Yesterday, it was Kate Middleton announcing her pregnancy.

The day before that, it was the friend's ultrasound picture on Facebook.

It's always something.

I hate that I feel this way.  HATE IT.

I want to be happy for people.  I want to share in their joy.  Right now, I can feel is sadness and jealousy.

I don't want to be that person.

I'm afraid I'm going to feel this way for months to come.  Until I'm holding my own little baby in my arms, I don't know how I can feel any other way.

I'm prayerful that God will bring me comfort and help me to feel some more positive vibes.

Reasons for Miscarriage and Back to School

As you can imagine, I have been on a mission to arm myself with miscarriage knowledge.

After the first miscarriage, I didn't research too much.  I heard from so many people who had one miscarriage, then went on to have a beautiful baby.  I assumed I would be like one of those people.

Since that is not the case, I am now reading, reading, and reading more to find out why this happened to us.

This is one of the best articles I've seen on the topic.

Monday, I go back to the doctor to make sure everything is back to normal.  I am not 100% sure, but when I called yesterday, the nurse told me the doctor would try to do some blood work.  I pray this gives us some answers.

We'll have to go back in the ultrasound room again.  This freaks me out.  We have yet to get good news  from inside one of those rooms.  On movies and TV, it's always the future mom and dad holding hands and smiling at each other as they hear a heartbeat.  I long to experience that.  The ultrasound room has brought us nothing but sadness.

On the plus side, I went back to school today.  Some of my fellow teachers knew about what had happened, others did not.  A few asked how I was doing.  I just said that I was okay as long as I didn't talk about it.  My kids were amazing today.  They all greeted me with smiles.  One girl almost tackled me with a hug and another said to me that she missed me "so much."  Neither knew exactly how much those words meant to me.  I made it through the day without a tear, so I call it a success!

I ordered a book yesterday.  It's for a group that I am planning to join in January for women who are having similar reproductive issues.  I can't wait to get the book in the mail.

Love,
C

Again

It happened again.  Miscarriage #2.

At almost the exact same time as our first little one stopped growing, this one did too.

Michael and I are heartbroken and confused.

We don't know why.  We are hoping upcoming testing gives us some sort of answer.

That said...

It's easy to ask, "Why?" when things go badly.

But truly we don't deserve anything, so we should be asking God this question when things go well.

I don't deserve to have the wonderful life I currently have.  I should feel blessed for that alone.

A baby would have been a beautiful miracle to add to our wonderful life.  I hope one day it happens.

Until then, I praise God for what he has given us.

Please keep us in your prayers.

January 2013

January.

It's 7 months away.

Yet, I can't wait for it to be here and be gone.

It hit me like a sack a bricks on Thursday.

I was sitting in the dentist's chair.  The hygienist asked me I wanted to go ahead and schedule my next appointment.  I said sure.  Apparently December is a difficult month to get an appointment, so she asked me if January 14th would work.  I said sure.

Then, I remembered.  That was just four days before my (former) due date.  Eck.  I didn't want to think about it.

Just today, two of my Facebook friends posted, "Coming January 2013."  They were announcing their new additions to their families on the way.  Jealousy hits.  It hurts.

I don't want to be jealous, but it's there. I was supposed to be announcing the birth of my baby this week.

Yet, here I am.  Sitting on the couch drinking a glass of wine.  No baby.  Not sure when we'll be able to try again.

My check up is in a week and a half.  I can't wait.  I'm hoping the doctor tells us we are free to start trying again!

Then, I can start anticipating a new month.

Though, I'll never forget January.

Moving On!

I'm trying to move on and get past the loss of the baby. It's
incredibly hard. One minute I'm fine, then next I'm a basket case.

It's helpful to have such a wonderful husband. I've never felt this
close to him. Being wrapped up in his arms at night can cure just
about anything.

Friends have also been helpful. My cousin Becca invited me over to
swim. We just stayed out in the sun and talked for a couple of hours.
It was good to just relax.

Also giving us hope is knowing that our own friends have been through
what we're going through. Saturday night we found out about a couple
who tried for six months to have a baby, got pregnant, then had a
miscarriage at almost the same time we did. Two months later they were
pregnant again. They now have a very beautiful 6 month old.

Still, the not knowing is the worst part. What if we try to get
pregnant again, but are unsuccessful? Worse yet, what if we go through
another miscarriage? I can't stand the thought. I don't know what
would be much lower than that. I know people go through this, but I
don't know how they make it.

It's at times like these that I wish we could fast forward one year and
see how things are. I hope at this point next year I'll have just
delivered a healthy little baby boy or girl. But who knows? It's at
times like this that you just have to have faith. I'm trying, but gosh
this is hard.

Another thing that's helping is throwing myself into exercise. I gave
myself all of last week to finish mourning. I allowed my self to be
lazy and drink wine. This week, I may still drink some wine, but I am
exercising like crazy. I want my body to be in tip top shape when we
are given the okay to start trying again.

Thanks for reading!

Love, Corrie

The Worst Day

Have you ever woken up bubbling with excitement about an event that was 
to happen that day?

Yesterday, that was me.  I woke up and lay in bed for a few minutes 
enjoying the butterflies.  I was ecstatic.

The reason:  At 9-weeks pregnant, I had a 1:45 doctor's appointment.  
This was to be my second appointment of my pregnancy.  The first one 
confirmed the pregnancy, and this one would be our first chance to hear 
the heartbeat.  My sweet husband Michael was going with me.  I cannot 
tell you how excited we both were.

Then, I got out of bed.  I went to the bathroom.  Not to give TMI, but 
I noticed bright red blood.  If you've ever been pregnant, you probably 
heard that a little spotting is normal.  This was not normal.  I 
immediately burst into tears and called my doctor's office.

The on-call nurse told me to come in as soon as the office opened.  
That was about an hour away.  After I got off the phone, I called my 
husband and told him what happened.  Through all of this, I am sobbing 
uncontrollably.  I made a few more calls to some co-workers and my mom. 
 My precious mom also burst into tears.

I tried to stay calm.  It really could be nothing, but I think in my 
heart I knew that something just wasn't right.

I finally met Michael at the doctor's office.  We still had to wait 
about 15 excruciating minutes.  All the while, I am just praying and 
hoping that it was just a fluke.

Finally, we head back.  We are immediately put in the ultrasound room.  
She puts the jelly on my belly and starts looking with her little 
machine.  Quickly, she tells me to empty my bladder and come back.

After that, she does a vaginal ultrasound.  She kept moving it around 
looking, trying to find a heartbeat, but there was nothing.  At that 
point, she told us the fetus appeared to be a little more than 6 weeks 
along, and she can usually find a heartbeat.  She said that technically 
she couldn't made a call until 7 weeks, but that it appeared this 
little one didn't make it.

Heartbroken is a word that is overused.  I thought I had been 
heartbroken before, but I have never truly experienced that until this 
particular moment.

We spoke to the doctor shortly after.  He confirmed that the baby 
didn't make it.

I know he's had to break that awful news to so many couples, but the 
way he talked to us, and the hurt that appeared to be in his voice made 
us feel like this was the first time he'd ever seen a miscarriage.  He 
was so kind and so comforting.  He hugged me and told me there was 
nothing I did wrong or could have done differently to change the 
outcome.  He said that healthy pregnancies are hard to mess up.  
Something must have been wrong from the beginning.

We then sat in a waiting room as he got ready to schedule me for a D 
and C.  Michael and I were wrapped in each other's arms and crying our 
eyes out.  A woman also waiting, who appeared to be at the office for 
some sort of routine checkup, came over and told us she was praying for 
God to comfort us.  I will never forget that woman.  She didn't have to 
say anything, but she chose to let us know she was thinking about us.  
It meant so much.

After that, we went to the hospital to prepare for the D and C.  
Everyone we interacted with was so incredibly kind.  I cannot stress 
how nice that was to experience.

Soon after I got to my room, my mom and dad came.  Mom was incredibly 
distraught.  In a way, it helped to see that.  It helped to be able to 
hold her and cry my eyes out.  I couldn't have made it through that day 
without Michael, Mom, and Dad.  I also couldn't have made it without 
all of Michael's family praying for us in Louisiana.

We ended up waiting at the hospital for 6 hours.  I was crying off and 
on all day.  Mom rubbed my back and feet.  Michael held my hands.  Dad 
made me laugh.

Finally, I went back for the procedure.  I remember them rolling me 
into the room.  There were like 5 people doing different things to me 
all at once.  Then, I was gone.  I woke up to a sweet nurse sitting 
beside me, and tears streaming down my face.

The baby was gone.

After about 45 minutes in recovery, I was back in a room with my 
parents.  The nurse brought me the greatest Diet Coke I've ever had.  
(I had not been able to eat or drink anything all day.)

After the nurse saw that I could keep that down, I was allowed to get 
dressed.  My parents picked up my medicine, and Michael drove me 
quickly to Chick-fil-a.  Then, we were home.

Michael and I cuddled the entire night.

If anything comes out of this as being good, it will be how close 
Michael and I have been brought together.  I thought I loved him more 
than was possible before.  Today, I know that my heart has even more 
room for love for him.  He has been my rock through this.  He has been 
the world's most amazing husband.  You never know what to say in these 
situations, but everything out of his mouth has been so incredibly 
comforting.

The day after, I went back to work.  I took it very easy.  The whole 
time, I couldn't wait to be back home with Michael.

When I got home, I had two sets of flowers on my porch.  Those ladies 
have no idea the amount of comfort they brought me.  Thank you so much.

Shortly after, we received an Edible Arrangement from Michael's 
parents.  YUM YUM.  Food always helps comfort.

I pray that Michael and I are pregnant again soon.  It is the most 
wonderful feeling in the world.  I will tell you one thing, this 
horrible situation will make finally having a baby even that much more 
special.

I have faith that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.

I haven't mentioned much about God and my relationship with him in this 
post.  Without my faith, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed yesterday, 
or today.  I know God has a plan.  I know that our sweet little baby 
that didn't make is now in Heaven.

For those of you who consider me a close friend, please don't be sad if 
you didn't know about this pregnancy.  Hardly anyone did.  Just a few 
close family members.  Maybe a total of 10 people.  We didn't want to 
tell because we were worried something like this would happen.  Now, I 
kinda wish more people knew.  I wish I knew of more people who had 
dealt with this.  It seems to be a subject that is a little off limits. 
  

I don't think it should be.  Ladies, we need to be able to talk to 
each other about this.  We need to be able to comfort each other.

Thanks so much for reading this and understanding my heart.

Love,

Corrie