Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Words I Regret

"Why do I have to be pregnant?"

I cannot believe those words ever came out of my mouth. 

But they did...a few weeks into my first pregnancy.  I actually said them to my mom.  I quickly said that I was joking, but it was too late.  The words had been spoken.  

The reason I said it was Michael had gotten tickets to Zoo Brew at the Memphis Zoo.  This is one of my favorite events in Memphis.  It's all about trying different craft beers.  I was disappointed, because I wouldn't be able to drink.

Since the worst day, those words have haunted me.  

As soon as we found out about the first miscarriage, my thoughts went to those words.  Was this God's punishment?  

When the second miscarriage happened, I thought about the words again.  Would God really punish me for loving craft beer and wanting a moment of freedom from the pregnancy to enjoy them?  (I'm trying to be funny here, but it's probably not translating.)  :)

To think that I ever took a pregnancy for granted hurts my heart.  I'm ashamed.  Truly, I believe that maybe God should have punished me.  There are days when I dwell on what I said for far too long. 

Tonight at Hopeful Hearts, I was put at peace about it.

We are reading a book called Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow.  In it, Nancy Guthrie writes the following about why God doesn't have to punish:

I wanted to speak up and talk about my lightbulb moment at our meeting, but I was afraid I would turn into a blubbering idiot.  (Though, tears are very welcome at our meetings.)  

And when it comes to what I said, I know this...

I didn't mean them.  I really didn't.  

I don't think me questioning my pregnancy was about an enjoyment for beer.  I think it was more about me being afraid of the pregnancy.  When we found out we were pregnant the first time, I was FREAKED out.  I was so excited, but I was overwhelmed.  Anxiety was high, and I truly was unsure if I was ready.  

When I said what I said, I think I really was wanting to vent my fears.  

And, now, I would give up beer, sushi, caffeine, and Sweet n Low forever if I meant I could I have a healthy pregnancy.  

And now, I feel ready.  I would still be scared, but I wouldn't let that stop my excitement.  

My period either will or won't be here in 6 days.  Prayers appreciated.  

Thanks for reading!


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