Friday, June 22, 2012

The Worst Day

Have you ever woken up bubbling with excitement about an event that was 
to happen that day?

Yesterday, that was me.  I woke up and lay in bed for a few minutes 
enjoying the butterflies.  I was ecstatic.

The reason:  At 9-weeks pregnant, I had a 1:45 doctor's appointment.  
This was to be my second appointment of my pregnancy.  The first one 
confirmed the pregnancy, and this one would be our first chance to hear 
the heartbeat.  My sweet husband Michael was going with me.  I cannot 
tell you how excited we both were.

Then, I got out of bed.  I went to the bathroom.  Not to give TMI, but 
I noticed bright red blood.  If you've ever been pregnant, you probably 
heard that a little spotting is normal.  This was not normal.  I 
immediately burst into tears and called my doctor's office.

The on-call nurse told me to come in as soon as the office opened.  
That was about an hour away.  After I got off the phone, I called my 
husband and told him what happened.  Through all of this, I am sobbing 
uncontrollably.  I made a few more calls to some co-workers and my mom. 
 My precious mom also burst into tears.

I tried to stay calm.  It really could be nothing, but I think in my 
heart I knew that something just wasn't right.

I finally met Michael at the doctor's office.  We still had to wait 
about 15 excruciating minutes.  All the while, I am just praying and 
hoping that it was just a fluke.

Finally, we head back.  We are immediately put in the ultrasound room.  
She puts the jelly on my belly and starts looking with her little 
machine.  Quickly, she tells me to empty my bladder and come back.

After that, she does a vaginal ultrasound.  She kept moving it around 
looking, trying to find a heartbeat, but there was nothing.  At that 
point, she told us the fetus appeared to be a little more than 6 weeks 
along, and she can usually find a heartbeat.  She said that technically 
she couldn't made a call until 7 weeks, but that it appeared this 
little one didn't make it.

Heartbroken is a word that is overused.  I thought I had been 
heartbroken before, but I have never truly experienced that until this 
particular moment.

We spoke to the doctor shortly after.  He confirmed that the baby 
didn't make it.

I know he's had to break that awful news to so many couples, but the 
way he talked to us, and the hurt that appeared to be in his voice made 
us feel like this was the first time he'd ever seen a miscarriage.  He 
was so kind and so comforting.  He hugged me and told me there was 
nothing I did wrong or could have done differently to change the 
outcome.  He said that healthy pregnancies are hard to mess up.  
Something must have been wrong from the beginning.

We then sat in a waiting room as he got ready to schedule me for a D 
and C.  Michael and I were wrapped in each other's arms and crying our 
eyes out.  A woman also waiting, who appeared to be at the office for 
some sort of routine checkup, came over and told us she was praying for 
God to comfort us.  I will never forget that woman.  She didn't have to 
say anything, but she chose to let us know she was thinking about us.  
It meant so much.

After that, we went to the hospital to prepare for the D and C.  
Everyone we interacted with was so incredibly kind.  I cannot stress 
how nice that was to experience.

Soon after I got to my room, my mom and dad came.  Mom was incredibly 
distraught.  In a way, it helped to see that.  It helped to be able to 
hold her and cry my eyes out.  I couldn't have made it through that day 
without Michael, Mom, and Dad.  I also couldn't have made it without 
all of Michael's family praying for us in Louisiana.

We ended up waiting at the hospital for 6 hours.  I was crying off and 
on all day.  Mom rubbed my back and feet.  Michael held my hands.  Dad 
made me laugh.

Finally, I went back for the procedure.  I remember them rolling me 
into the room.  There were like 5 people doing different things to me 
all at once.  Then, I was gone.  I woke up to a sweet nurse sitting 
beside me, and tears streaming down my face.

The baby was gone.

After about 45 minutes in recovery, I was back in a room with my 
parents.  The nurse brought me the greatest Diet Coke I've ever had.  
(I had not been able to eat or drink anything all day.)

After the nurse saw that I could keep that down, I was allowed to get 
dressed.  My parents picked up my medicine, and Michael drove me 
quickly to Chick-fil-a.  Then, we were home.

Michael and I cuddled the entire night.

If anything comes out of this as being good, it will be how close 
Michael and I have been brought together.  I thought I loved him more 
than was possible before.  Today, I know that my heart has even more 
room for love for him.  He has been my rock through this.  He has been 
the world's most amazing husband.  You never know what to say in these 
situations, but everything out of his mouth has been so incredibly 

The day after, I went back to work.  I took it very easy.  The whole 
time, I couldn't wait to be back home with Michael.

When I got home, I had two sets of flowers on my porch.  Those ladies 
have no idea the amount of comfort they brought me.  Thank you so much.

Shortly after, we received an Edible Arrangement from Michael's 
parents.  YUM YUM.  Food always helps comfort.

I pray that Michael and I are pregnant again soon.  It is the most 
wonderful feeling in the world.  I will tell you one thing, this 
horrible situation will make finally having a baby even that much more 

I have faith that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.

I haven't mentioned much about God and my relationship with him in this 
post.  Without my faith, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed yesterday, 
or today.  I know God has a plan.  I know that our sweet little baby 
that didn't make is now in Heaven.

For those of you who consider me a close friend, please don't be sad if 
you didn't know about this pregnancy.  Hardly anyone did.  Just a few 
close family members.  Maybe a total of 10 people.  We didn't want to 
tell because we were worried something like this would happen.  Now, I 
kinda wish more people knew.  I wish I knew of more people who had 
dealt with this.  It seems to be a subject that is a little off limits. 
I don't think it should be.  Ladies, we need to be able to talk to 
each other about this.  We need to be able to comfort each other.

Thanks so much for reading this and understanding my heart.




  1. Corrie, I just found your blog today when you linked to a post on Facebook. I got tears in my eyes when I read this post. I am so sorry you had to experience this. You are right that it seems to be a subject that people don't talk about much, and I too wish it were different. I have several dear friends who have been through the terrible pain of miscarriage, and before they experienced it, I had no idea how really common it is. I hope you have been able to find others to talk to through this experience, and I pray that God will continue to heal you and that He would grant you the gift of a baby you can keep here on earth.

  2. Thank you so much! Every day gets a little easier, but my heart still aches. I know when the time is right, we will have our little one.